She looked at the clock, her eyes trying to focus on the numbers glowing brightly in the dark. It was 3:16 in the morning, and she knew in another two hours she would have to drag herself from her comfortable bed to get ready. A loud crash from the kitchen had jarred her awake. She wasn't surprised by the crash, and knew the source had been her mother's boyfriend, who was still intoxicated from the night before. She heard the refrigerator door open and the distinct sound of a can being opened. After a few minutes she heard the freezer being opened and the clink of a glass being taken out of it. She could tell what he was doing, it was his morning ritual. She had often cleaned out his lunchbox after he got home from work and the stench of alcohol from the cranberry juice bottle was overpowering.
He wasn't the only one with an addiction, and it would be hypocritical of her to complain. She was seized by the need for her escape, it was clawing at her skin and making her thoughts incoherent. She then dragged herself awake and walked out of her room, on the way to her trailer outside. She noticed her mother's boyfriend looked more cranky that usual, and she knew it was going to be a bad day. She quickly dismissed those thoughts, too preoccupied by scratching her itch to care.
She sat in the darkness in her trailer, surrounded by the sounds of the night. The hum of the television emanated from inside her house. She wasn't concentrating on either thing however, for she was too far gone already to care. On a whim she decided to walk the half mile to the cliffs near her house, and she stumbled out of the trailer, tripping over a piece of wood that she didn't remember how it got there. It didn't matter though. She sat on the cliffs, looking out at the beauty of the desert and watched the sun come up. She also watched her mother's boyfriend leave, and was surprised he didn't wreck her truck.
As she watched the sun come up she thought about what love was. She loved her little sister dearly, but she sometimes feared that maybe she couldn't love another person. She had certainly never seen ideal examples of what love was, neither with her mom's current relationship or the one with her father. She loved her mother, but that love was mixed in with feelings of hate, disrespect, disappointment, and bitterness. It was the type of love that makes you wonder what went wrong. She could make a list a couple feet long of people she didn't love however, and for some reason that fact deeply unsettled her.
Her mother drove her to the bus stop. The silence was palpable, but it had become such a common thing it didn't hurt her anymore. Not only would it not bug her, she would fail to remember it once she was out of the truck. She knew her mother was bursting with things to say, suggestions of going to rehab, pleas of wanting to see her daughter get back on track. She didn't care however, the most important thing in her life was her addiction. She got out of the truck and kissed her little sister good bye. She wondered if her sister would turn out like her, and she wished she had the power to stop time and let her sister remain like this, innocent and unknowing of what her older sister really was.
The rest of the day trudged on, the teacher's lectures just meaningless noise to her. She did not care, and most of the teachers were willing to turn a blind eye to her if she just kept silent and didn't make trouble. It was right after lunch that she got a note from the nurses's office, telling her that they needed to talk to her. She knew what it was going to be about, and she could already feel the anger rising like a monster out of the depths. She took her sweet time getting to the nurses's office, stopping for a 10 minute bathroom break where she put on makeup, stopping for 5 minutes to talk to one of her friends in the hallway, and she took the long way to the office. Make them wait, she thought, I'm tired of this constant harrassment. She heard pieces of what the nurse was saying as the nurse bandaged her arm. "You can't keep doing this to yourself... You need something to believe in.. God will take away this pain you are going through." At this she laughed. "Spare me. Your concern and fake pity are disgusting to me. You know as well as I do that once I get out of this office I'm going to take this bandage off of my arm. My cuts are not bleeding so there is no reason for bandages, and I'm tired of you calling me up every day to bandage my arms and give me the same lecture. This is the last time I'm coming up here so you can feel like you are being a good person and helping someone. Save it for someone who cares about their life." At this she walked out of the office and started taking the bandage off. She knew the nurse was watching. It amused her to think of the nurse being angry.
The whole bus ride home she was fiending for her addiction. She counted the minutes until she would be home so she could relieve the screaming in her head. Her mother's boyfriend was already home, he was carrying in a new bottle of Vodka to replace the one he had gone through yesterday. She rolled her eyes, she had nothing but hate for this man. It was like a coal that burned deep inside of her, fanned by his actions. She left, not returning until early the next morning. No one was waiting up for her, she knew that her actions had caused them to give up on her. This was her life for now, but it would soon explode and the pieces would go flying everywhere. Her world would soon be rocked and she would feel lost and alone, but those are not new feelings. She would keep on trudging along.
This is only a part of my story. It is still being written every day I live. I wanted to give you a glimpse into the events leading up to me getting sent to live with my father. I hope everyone enjoyed this, and I hope you can understand the emotions conveyed.
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