Late-Night Jokes About Bush, Kerry and the 2004 Presidential Debates "There's a new three strikes and you're out policy. But enough about President Bush in the debates. Let's move on." --Jay Leno
"At one point I was concerned about Bush ... Did he seem a little confused to you? Because at one point, he called out, 'State capitals for $200, Alex!'" --David Letterman
"I think, even if you're not a fan you must admit, President Bush did a little better in the third debate. Like last night he spoke from the heart. See the last two debates he's tried speaking from the brain. And you see how that works." --Jay Leno
"After the debate, Dick Cheney's wife, Lynne, was upset that John Kerry brought up their lesbian daughter. She said, 'The only thing that upsets me more is the fact that I brought up a lesbian daughter.'" --Conan O'Brien
"In the debate, stern-faced John Kerry looked like he was at a funeral while smiling President Bush just looked giddy. It was like a before-and-after ad for Prozac." --Jay Leno
"The third presidential debate asked the most important question of all – which of these guys do I hate the least?" --Jay Leno
"I thought George Bush looked great. He was wearing his three-piece bulge. ... They have a picture of George Bush from the first debate and on his back there's a big, lumpy bulge. People were saying that's a radio receiver and someone is feeding him answers to questions. It turned out tonight, the first thing George W. did was show everyone that the bump in his jacket was just his flask." --David Letterman
"I watched the debate, and I'll tell you George Bush did look confused. At one point he tried to buy a vowel." --David Letterman
"There are photographs of President Bush from the first debate and he's got some kinda lump in the back of his coat, and the rumors are flying that he had a special radio receiver and he was getting answers from someone off stage. Wow, it's like he's back at Yale." —David Letterman
"During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he's made. And Bush responded, 'This debate, the last debate and the next debate.'" --Bill Maher
"This was the town hall debate, and Bush says he likes the personal feel of a town hall. There's something about getting out there and lying directly to people's faces." --Bill Maher
"There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said 'Clemency denied.'" --Bill Maher "I don't know what's worse -- watching Bush try not to scowl, or watching him scowl for 90 minutes." --Bill Maher
"Tonight was the 2nd presidential debate, which was in a town hall format. That's where everyday Americans and not just journalists get a chance to have their questions avoided." --Jay Leno
"Tonight's debate was what they called the town hall debate. Both candidates were seated on stools. It was funny, from force of habit, Bush said 'Scotch and water, hold the ice.'" --David Letterman
"The second presidential debate was tonight. It was a town hall meeting. Sure you all watched that. Last time John Kerry did a town hall meeting, true story, a woman in the audience told him he was 'hot.' Yeah, then she told Kerry she needs healthcare so she can afford a pair of glasses." --Conan O'Brien
"This is what his handlers have advised him to do after the first debate last week: George W. Bush's challenge now will be to stretch four and a half minutes of meaningless platitudes into an hour and a half. That's his challenge." --David Letterman
"(Friday's) debate in St. Louis will be before an audience made up entirely of undecided voters. That creates a huge dilemma for Kerry. Does he stand on stage beside Bush or sit in the audience with all the other people who can't make up their minds?" --Jay Leno
"I don't want to say who won this debate, but today the FCC is furious and is fining the networks for showing the emperor with no clothes." --Bill Maher
"Both candidates now are trying to lower expectations for how they'll do on the debates. For example, Kerry tried to lower expectations for himself by saying Bush has never lost a debate and that he is a formidable opponent. Then Bush lowered expectations for himself when he said, 'Hey, what does "formable" mean?'" --Jay Leno
"Bush wants to show that John Kerry is confused. You know you're in trouble when you're running against George Bush and you're the one who looks confused." --David Letterman
62 million people tuned into the debate this week. That's almost one viewer for every time President Bush said 'mixed message.'" --Bill Maher
"Political experts say President Bush was off his game. He looked distracted, confused, a little at a loss for words. Off his game? That is Bush's game." --Jay Leno
"Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he's a flip-flopper. Kerry said, 'I have one position on Iraq: I'm forgainst it." --Amy Pohler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Pundits also said that Bush seemed unprepared and looked tired. They said what Bush needs to do is two things: study videos of John Kerry speaking and get some sleep. And the nice thing is he can do both of those at the same time." --Jay Leno
"That's it for George W. Bush. He will not have to participate in the next debate. Yeah, his dad got him out of it." --David Letterman
"Experts are saying if this had been a game show, Bush would've gone home with a handshake and a quart of motor oil." --David Letterman
"President Bush and Senator John Kerry's first debate was held last Thursday. While neither candidate delivered a knock-out punch, polls indicate John Kerry was the winner. Though Bush later complained it was because he couldn't get his buzzer to work." --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Before the debate, Bush is concerned about the lectern, he's worried about the room temperature and the lighting. Kerry is making the mistake of worrying about the issues." --David Letterman
"A rule that Bush and Kerry wanted is that you can't move from your position behind the podium, they can't move. Which made it tough on Kerry, you know, not being allowed to change positions." --Jay Leno
"Of course you know, President Bush has been taking a couple days off this week to prepare for the debates. In fact, he's having a microchip implanted in his ear. This will allow Dick Cheney to speak to him directly. 'It's pronounced 'Fallujah' 'Abu Ghraib.'" --Jay Leno
"Kerry's people have been advising him to keep it simple. They say Kerry always gets the biggest pay off when he uses the shortest sentences. Like when he said 'I do.'" --Jay Leno
"Everyone is talking about the debate ground rules. Kerry wants his podium to be tall enough so he can rest his hands. And President Bush wants it to be wide enough to hide Dick Cheney." --Conan O'Brien
"The first presidential debate is Thursday in Florida. I think it's Bush's way of saying thank-you for that last crooked election." --David Letterman
"A lot of people underestimate President Bush when it comes to a debate. He's pretty good at it. You know back in college he was able to argue both sides of that 'Taste great, less filling' debate." --Jay Leno
"It looks like President Bush and John Kerry have agreed on three debates. Kerry wanted more but Bush said no; he thought three was a good even number." --Jay Leno
"Debates experts say President Bush could win if he doesn't get off message. But John Kerry could win if he gets a message." --Jay Leno
"Democrats are saying that President Bush is refusing to take part in a town hall debate with John Kerry because Bush is worried about the questions the audience will ask him. After hearing this, the president said, 'That's ridiculous. I'm not worried about the questions, I'm worried about the answers." --Conan O'Brien
"Now the candidate are arguing over the exact format these debates will take. Kerry wants to stand behind a podium, Bush wants to stand behind Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno
"Problems at Kerry debate prep: They keep trying to tell him he doesn't talk like a regular average Joe and he said, 'Au contraire!"' --Jay Leno
"The debate deal for three debates almost fell apart because John Kerry did not want a light to flash when his time was almost up. And George Bush didn't want a light to flash because he's easily distracted." --Jay Leno
"Are you all ready for the presidential debate this Thursday? It's kind of like "The Apprentice" except WE get to fire somebody." --Jay Leno
"The security at the debate, you can understand this, was very tight. They even searched the bags under Jim Lehrer's eyes." --David Letterman
"Well, the first Kerry-Bush debate between President Bush and John Kerry takes place Thursday in Miami. And today, thousands of local residents began evacuating." --David Letterman
"The ground rules for the debates: The candidates must remain at least 10 feet apart, and they cannot talk directly to one another. It's actually based on the John Kerry-Teresa Heinz Kerry pre-nup agreement." --David Letterman
"Ralph Nader couldn't get into the debates in Florida. But here's the good news: Nader will be making a special appearance on 'CSI: Miami' as a guest cadaver" --David Letterman
"John Kerry will debate President Bush in Florida. Right now Kerry has a bad cold, you can barely understand what he's saying, so it looks like it should be a fair fight. In fact his voice is so bad, doctors have advised him to rest his throat and only give one position on each issue for awhile." --Jay Leno
"They've scheduled the presidential debates. It'll be John Kerry and George Bush. There's going to be three debates. And there's going to be categories. Each debate will have a separate category. First category is domestic policy. Second category is foreign policy. The third category will be girl groups from the '60s." --David Letterman
"Ralph Nader says he is going to participate in the presidential debates. OK, he'll be at home yelling at the screen." --Jay Leno
"While meeting with minority journalists Kerry was asked last week if he would have gone to war if Saddam Hussein would have refused to disarm. He said 'You bet we might have.' Can you imagine when he and Bush debate? One guy can't speak his mind and the other can't make up this mind." --Jay Leno
"They say John Kerry has already begun preparing for the debates. He's thinking of starting off by having his wife buy everyone in the audience a new car." --Jay Leno
"The new rule for the debate this year: candidates can't touch each other. ... This is the result of a last series of debates where Al Gore tried to get George Bush to dirty dance." --David Letterman
"Bush and Kerry have agreed to three debates. The first debate will cover the 1960s and the second debate the early '70s and in the third debate if there's time, some topical issues." --Jay Leno
"Bush and Kerry are still arguing over the details of the debates. Here's what I'd like to see: Can they get the orchestra from the Emmy Awards for the debates? So when a candidate starts going on and on ... just play that song until they shut up." --Jay Leno "In politics, the candidates keep making new demands for the debates. Hey, how about two new candidates and no debates?" --Drew Carey
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