Signs You're Watching Too Much Football
10. Before love, you flip a coin to see who will receive
9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons
8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players,you tear the cartilage in your knee
7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on'em
6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip
5. During kissing, you use a play clock
4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway
3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup
2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden
1. After hugging, you go for the 2-point conversion
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Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
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"Why Men Get Out Of Bed"
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night...
5% said it was to get a glass of water...
12% said it was to go to the toilet...
83% said it was to go home.
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Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"
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A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"
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Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
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