Women Vs. Handgun
Reasons why a handgun is better than a woman:
You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
You can trade a .44 for two .22's.
You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
Handguns function normally every day of the month.
A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"
A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.
You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.
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Two fellows were in a pub. They called the pub's owner over and asked him to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart," confirmed the owner.
They moved back along the bar, and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints please, Miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the owner at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right, he called back, two pints."
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On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are, too. The thought for the day is 'share the love.' Beep.' "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Time to stop sharing the love."
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The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?" The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"
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The jovial lawyer, rising to address a gathering after dinner, noticed that in the audience was another gentleman who was well known as one of the foremost after-dinner speakers in the nation. The lawyer, striking an informal pose, with his jacket open and his hands in his pockets, said, "How odd to see my good friend George in the audience, demonstrating that a speaker can listen to someone else's words on occasion." And from the audience, George cried out, "And how odd to see my good friend Henry on the podium, demonstrating that a lawyer can have his hands in his own pockets on occasion."
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The kissing booth at the Charity Fair displayed a large sign: "Kisses - $5 to $50." One young man asked the girl in the booth if the price range was a matter of duration. "Nope !" she smiled. "Lip placement."
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An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese are you?" Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean." The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???" The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese." A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of 'key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
Lesson I - Never insult anyone.
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There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted," VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, [censored]!!!!!!!........."
Lesson II - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes what you say accidentally does happen.
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A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouts, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries for a month. "Pfufffff", and he is gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouts, "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails for a month." "Pfufffff", and he is also gone. Then it's the boss's turn, and he says calmly, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch"
Lesson III- "Always allow the bosses to speak first"
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I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home. Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent night's sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in years. The next morning, I asked my husband, "Why was Zack in bed with you?" "Oh," he replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed, and I was too tired to change his sheets."
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