The Ten Commandments, Ebonically Interpreted :
1. I be God. Don' be dissing me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick it to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nuffin.
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"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, WOW! What a ride!"
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For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
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World's Worst Jobs!
Shark Baiter
Road Kill Removal Crew
Prison Glee Club President
Rotten Sardine Taste Detector
Assistant To The Boss's Nephew
Circus Elephant Clean Up Specialist
Nuclear Warhead Sensistivity Technician
Vice President, Screen Door Sales, North Pole Division
Director Of Public Relations, Chernobyl Nuclear Facility
The Person Responsible For Replacing Urinal Deodorizers
The Person Responsible For ReCycling Replaced Urinal Deodorizers
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A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day
the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
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Things to Think About
Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
If the shoe fits .... buy a pair in every color.
Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
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I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air.
She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and repeated emphatically, "Now you stay.
Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am Chinese, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"
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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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One blonde asks another: "Which is closer, Vancouver... or the Moon?" The other replies: " HELLOOOOO, can you see Vancouver?"
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What happened when the cat swallowed a one pound coin? There was money in the kitty
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What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
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A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary Married couple for 25 years, I will give you each a wish." "I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets appeared in her hands. Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well......this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is......to have a wife 30 years younger than me" The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!... Suddenly the husband was 90 years old. Men might be BUTTHEADS But Fairies are Female!
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