"I went to a Christmas party the other night and was having a real blast. After I'd been there a few hours (and several, several drinks), I noticed this fabulous blonde standing over to the side. She was in her early to mid twenties with beautiful long blonde hair down to her waist. She was built like a brick, well, anyway she was built! The amazing thing was, she kept staring at me and smiling. Naturally, being a man, I decided to go try my luck. Like they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I went over and stuck up a conversation with her (don't remember about what, but it had to be very interesting). Well, one thing led to another and she invited me back to her place and being the gentleman I am, I said "OK." I'm not going to go into all the details of the night (mainly because I don't remember), but I awoke the next morning to the aroma of fresh coffee and bacon frying. I thought now this is great! I think I might have a keeper here. I got up and got dressed and headed for the kitchen. When I got there her mom (looked to be in her 80's or 90's) was standing at the stove. Embarrassed, I stammered, "Where's your daughter?" She slowly turned around with a sly little smile on her face and said, "I don't have a daughter.
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child. "Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!" Just as she spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer... "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them."
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Newest Release in Bookstores NOW !!
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40. AUTHORS: ANYONE OVER 50
Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee. (my favorite)
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.
Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze. (another favorite)
Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment You on your new alligator shoe and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
This will be a best seller for sure..
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