Reality Shock: Short Story #2 (Sexuality)--by Emi

I never thought I would be writing in a journal, and yet here I am, with all of my senses lost and my ideas blown away because of sadness and despair. While both have numbed over the years, the instant feeling of betrayal still lives on in me whenever I look at a picture of my mom.

I was born and raised in a small town in England, where I use to play in the streets with the boys. Nothing unusual, nothing to make me "weird" as my mother would put it. I was a normal boy, growing up and learning, making goals and dreaming. But apparently, somewhere, something came into my life that "ruined" me.

I remember the first time Mom started talking about America. While she hadn't wanted to be swept up in the idea of it being a better place, she did want something new with more opportunities. I just nodded my head as she talked about it, waiting for my dad to say something. But he never said the things I expected, and we were soon on a plane to our new home in the United States.

I spent most of my time on my studies when we first got there, but friends soon developed around me and I found myself listening to the gossip around school and going to parties with friends. My mom worried about me as most moms would, and I went on to lead a normal life.

But as I came upon my senior year of high school, I began to notice something a bit different about myself. I wasn't the only one to notice, my friend Greg pointed it out to me.

"You know, Chad," Greg had said to me one day, "in all the time I've known you, you've never had a girlfriend."

I could only stare at him because I knew how true it was. I never had a girlfriend, and I didn't want one. I spent the rest of the week thinking about his words. I looked through an old yearbook, looking at all the girls I could have liked, should have liked, but found that there were none.

My breathing became short later that night as I began to come more into myself. I stared at the wall, holding back the panic that was rising in my body. I clenched my hands, pulling the sheet up with me, wanting to hide, to die, to cry. How was I to tell anyone?

I was gay.

I kept it hidden for a while, not wanting to see people's reactions, but Greg started to notice my tension. I finally broke down, telling him everything. He took it a lot better than I expected. He, surprisingly, was gay as well, but wasn't able to come out yet. He went out with tons of girls to make it look like he was straight, but it didn't matter how many girls he went out with. He was gay and so was I. Nothing else left to say about it.

Greg and I stuck together, helping each other out until it came to a point where we both felt we needed to just come out and tell people. I had started to grow a strong bond with Greg, so I told him I would be with him when he told his parents.

I watched him nervously play with his shirt as he told them everything. They stared at us both for a long while, eyeing me in a way that made me squirm in my seat a bit. Finally Greg's mother stood up, nodding her head and hugging him. I felt compelled to hug him myself, but I stayed in my seat.

Greg's mom pulled away, and let his dad tell him how proud he was that Greg was able to tell them the truth. I sat in my seat watching quietly as his mom turned to me. She came up, wrapping her arms around me as well. I sat shocked for a moment, not sure what to do. I hugged her back after I had gotten over my shock. I caught a glimpse of a smile on Greg's face as he looked at me. I couldn't help but smile back.

I stayed for dinner, the whole family talking about the events of the day. His mom asked if we were dating, but I shook my head. Greg didn't give any response. He just smiled at his mother. I looked at him curiously, wondering what the smile was about.

We spent the night talking. I didn't plan on going home quite yet, since I knew I had to tell them the truth. It scared me, and Greg said he would do the same for me that I had done for him. I nodded my head, staring at a drawing he was working on.

Around midnight, I had started to get myself worked up. Greg smiled as I rehearsed what I was going to say. I finally sat down, my energy run out from all the pacing I had been doing. My head was starting to hurt and my heart was pounding so hard that it hurt. I laid my head down, closing my eyes. I didn't even feel Greg put his arm around me protectively until I was almost asleep.

The next day, we walked silently to my house, both not sure what to say. I stopped outside my door, holding my hand up and looking at him. "Remember, you can turn back now."

He shook his head, smiling the same encouraging smile he always had. "You can do this, and I'm going to be here for you when you do."

I hesitated, finally nodding and opening the door. My mom came up, greeting us both with warmness. I told my parents I had something important I wanted to say. We all sat down in the living room, Greg sitting by me on the love seat. My mom and dad sat on the couch, looking at me intensely.

All the words I had practiced and rehearsed at Greg's house were gone. I felt tongue tied and lost. I was about to just run out of the room when I felt Greg's hand on my shoulder. Next thing I knew, words were pouring out of my mouth. I told them everything. My mom stared at me once I was done, holding back tears. My dad has no expression on his face. He just continued to hold my mom's hand.

Everything happened so quickly after that. I remember my mom's wails and screams, her words that will never leave my heart. She called me unclean, sick, twisted. So many other words that I don't even want to remember. I watched her pick up my senior picture that she had in a frame by the couch. It flew across the room and shattered right before my eyes.

Greg grabbed my shoulder's pulling me out of the living room. He wanted to get me out of there before they did anything drastic. As he pulled me, I caught a glance of my little sister Sonia looking at me, mouthing the words, "I love you" from the stairs. She was the only family member who accepted who I was.

I tried countless more times to try and talk things out with my parents, but each time I had to hear painful words and more crying. I finally gave up, moving out of the house to go to college on a scholarship. Greg had followed, sharing a dorm with me.

At my wedding, I remember searching the crowd for anyone from my family, my mother or my father. I found my sister eventually, crying and saying how proud she was of me. She straightened my tie before I went over to hug my in-laws, Greg's parents. Sonia sat with his parents, crying all through the wedding.

I look back now, still saddened by the whole thing. I got a letter from my father years after my marriage telling me how my mom was in intensive care. He mentioned in the letter that I was not allowed to see her, I was not allowed near her. Her dying wish was to never have me near her. My father supported that, saying he didn't want me around either.

Both of my parents died within a year. I'm thankful to have Greg's parents for support, and Greg. Sonia comes up with her husband and her little girl Christie a lot. I look back now and find no tears for my parents like I did back then. I loved my parents, and that will never change. But they lost me when they shunned me away the first time.

I am gay. It's who I am. And I am happy to be who I am. I am happy with my family, with my husband, and with our adopted son Sean. I don't tell Sean about my parents because they are no longer family after what they did to me, how they treated me for finally being myself.

It hurts, but this is life. My name is Chad, I'm gay, and I'm proud.

* by Emi *

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