. Top Ten Southern Commandments
(1) Just one God. (2) Honor yer Ma &Pa. (3) No telling tales or gossipin'. (4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting. (5) Put nothin' before God. (6) No foolin' around with another fellow's woman. (7) No killin'...No how. (8) Watch yer mouth. (9) Don't take what ain't yers. (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
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In some US cities crime has odd effects. Take Washington DC for example, there, cabs are so expensive, it's cheaper to get mugged and wait for the ambulance.
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Q. Why are New Yorkers so depressed? A. The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
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"Job App"
This is the job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's:
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still looking.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place, would I?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options. If that's not possible, make an offer (any offer) and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: A target for middle management hostility.
EDUCATION: Yes, but it doesn't seem to be paying off.
LAST SALARY: Way less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, with a half-hour break around 2:00 p.m.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment and I don't like to get caught doing them at work.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Who am I kidding, I'd like to be doing that right now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
======================= Promise Me... This Year And For Always!! Promise me that you will...
...be kind to yourself. ...take one moment at a time. ...be happy. ...make three wishes. ...hum while you work. ...look in the mirror and see that you are beautiful.
...be strong. ...nurture your soul. ...seek inspiration.
...listen to beautiful music. ...believe in fairy tales. ...find that dreams sometimes do come true.
...hug yourself. ...believe that you have a guardian angel. ...feel the sunshine on your face.
...laugh and seek laughter in others. ...always find hope. ...and love whatever you love with all of your heart!
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A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist ask's "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".The lady say's
"To kill my husband."
I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says . . . . . . " Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"
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Thought for the Day: To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for."
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If we have faith, and belief, that we are in God's care, then we can believe that the Lord is with us everywhere.
His angels have been sent to protect us from any harm, and to teach us about love, and keep our spirits calm.
This heavenly love surrounds each of us every single day, and today, because you are so very special to me,
l asked the angels to bring a little more love your way.
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A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp.
The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited.
Finally, a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "The sign says 'yield', not 'give up'!"
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