Me>FisherQueen<

I love how I can fake it. Not fake it in a dirty way but with life. I can have the thought of killing myself right on the surface but tell someone, "yes life is wonderful." Life has never been "wonderful." It has been nice and happy at times, but I live inside myself and hardly anyone sees the real me. My husband recently saw me so upset at life that I was literally pulling hair out. I hated for him to see me like that, but it was nice to have someone there with me so I didn't do anything too stupid. It feels at times that I am this towns counselor, people feel safe with me and people I don't even know feel comfortable enough to tell me their problems. I guess I don't know what I am going to do with myself. I want to go to Beauty School. It costs $12,276 for 15 months worth of school, at the end, I will have a nice career that I can go anywhere with. It there any help-NO! I applied for student aid and got a LOAN, no grants. My husband makes too much money. Funny how that works because most of the time I have no money to put in my gas tank or money to put food on the table. He makes too much money!? WE ARE BELOW POVERTY LEVEL! So I get a loan that will cover $9000 of the expenses for school, but still that leaves over $3000 that I cannot just pull from no where. School starts on June 30th and I have nothing, I have to hand them $356 a week before I start just to be able to go. So, here is the next funny part (not really funny to me-oh well) I have a beautiful and PROFESSIONAL resume. I was trained to be a phlebotomist, I have worked in hospitals and doctor's offices and so I try to get a minimum wage job at McDonalds. HA! They are hiring and do I get a call back from MCDONALDS?! NO! I cannot even get a job at McDonalds!!!! I tried at Taco Bell-NOTHING! So what? I want to go to school and I can't even get a fast food job. I have applied at restaurants for being a waitress or hostess, nothing, no call back. So where does this leave me? If feels like my stepdad who abused me is still running my life. He never let me have anything, not even a job in high school. I was his personal toy to play with. I have nothing. What little I have is running out. I ran out of hair gel the other day and started crying, hysterically crying because I ran out of 99 cent hair gel! Why? Because I can't even afford 1$ to get some more. I can't get a job so I have no insurance on my car, I can't get a job and I might get it taken away because I can't make a payment on a $1500 loan when my car is worth at least $10,000. When I took out that loan on my car to help with the expenses of my husband and I's reception he told me that he would help with the payment each month. No help from him, but he is in the hole too. Also my license might be suspended right now because I have been making payments on a ticket for a while and haven't been able to pay the ticket. I don't care anymore. I just wanted one thing in life, to go to school and make something out of myself and I guess I am not even worth that. My husband is having a hard time believing in me at this point-sheesh I don't blame him. I have basically been out of work for ONE YEAR. I have filled out hundreds and hundreds of applications with nothing to show my husband but a callous from writing so much. I am holding him back...I am holding US back. I just needed to vent how much I loathe life at this point...

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