More jokes from my email

Leaving Pensacola, we decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall............ Hi there, how is it going?

Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but, finally, I say: Not bad.

Then the voice says: So, what are you doing?

I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: Well, I'm going to Biloxi.

Then I hear the person, all flustered, say: Look, I'll call you back - every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!

- JOHN and Sue

P.S. The Grand Casino in Biloxi is very nice, we're at the pool now, I'm watching a guy in the pool, on his cell phone drinking a Budweiser ... looks like a great idea!

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Dog Pet Peeves

* Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

* Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?

* Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

* When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

* Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.

* The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

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3 elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.

The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274," came the reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor.

"How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

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The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. They all had the same story. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he l et them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily, "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." "No sir," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

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You Know You're A Mother When...

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

2. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

4. Your kid throws up and you catch it.

5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.

7. You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

8. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.

9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.

11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

12. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

13. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.

15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"

16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

17. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

18. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

19. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

20. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

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The cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below.

The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."

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A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

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